30 Things to Do During Your Only Week of Productivity

Also Known as the First Week of School

By Aaron Rogers (Procrastinator)

• Get to class on time.
• Just get to class.
• Write down all homework in a small, elegant, and easy to lose notebook
• Keep a detailed and unrealistic schedule within said notebook. Let it serve as a reminder of what you could not achieve.
• Clean your room for the first time this summer
• Find your desk beneath the stacks of practice essays you composed over the summer…y’know just for fun.
• Buy pens and pencils in bulk directly from the warehouse. Trust me, it’s well worth it.
• Still practice the awkward line “C-can I borrow a pencil? I swear I’ll return it.”
• Don’t return the pencil
• Buy an exorbitant number of brand new binders, folders, and loose-leaf paper all labelled according to subject, chapter, and phase of the moon.
• Take notes on a laptop anyway.
• Sit in the front of the class, making it really awkward when you show up hung-over a month from now.
• Raise your hand at every question the teacher asks. As a matter of fact, raise your hand even if you don’t have anything to say. They will never call on you again for the rest of the semester.
• Organize your locker for any books that you’ll need. Be sure to inform the biology department of any strange flora or fauna that may appear over the course of the year.
• Leave a passive-aggressive note for your locker-buddy in the hopes that they will avoid frequenting your mutual space. Be careful not to overdo it. who knows what you’re really capable of?
• Shower every day
• Every other day is fine
• Once a week is very reasonable
• At least put some deodorant on; think of the children.
• At best, put on all those new clothes you bought over the summer. At worst, dress well enough that you are not mistaken for homeless.
• Go to the first meetings of all the E.C.A.s and take on enormous responsibilities that you can never realistically fulfill. (I hear Bandersnatch has a few job openings).
• Memorize the location of every classroom in your schedule so you’ll know which ones to avoid when you’re “sick”.
• Get to know all of the services available to you before it’s too late. Anti-venom may or may not be accessible in times of need.
• Develop a reputation as someone who will go above and beyond in the classroom so that it will be viewed as failure when you do not exceed the teacher’s expectations.
• Get started working on that research paper immediately by making a timeline of small goals with a deadline granting you a stress-free semester.
• Proceed to forget about said timeline altogether until one week before the paper is due. Then it may be used as a napkin or place mat.
• Go to bed
• Limit yourself three cups of vending machine coffee per day. Refer to the previous suggestion for a detailed outline on how to fight caffeine dependency.
• Spend some time walking around the school aimlessly. This will give you something to do when you get lost.
• Keep a bus schedule handy. It doesn’t matter if they don’t show up on time. It’s the thought that counts.
• Read Bandersnatch