At an unspecified time of day in a sleek black-and-white office, Dr. Northface beckoned her patient to take a seat. The lights outside the fake windows gave the illusion of sunlight despite being underground, and the only things in the room that weren’t monochromatic were the doctor’s blue eyes and her patient’s blond hair. He took a seat with a mix of nervousness and annoyance, his grey eyes darting between the window and the door he came in through.
“One more time,” the doctor said. “Why do you think you’re here?”
The patient frowned and answered:
“We live in a society.”
Dr. Northface nodded, jotted down a quick note on the sheet in front of her, and continued:
“Okay, but what about you, specifically? Why is it that people think you have to come here?”
“People don’t think it be like it be, but it do.” He said with a serious frown, then added: “Sometimes it really do be like that.”
The doctor stared for a moment, sighed, then took out a small piece of paper from behind her clipboard. It was so crumpled and dirtied that it looked like it might crumble in her hands.
“‘Roses are red, memes are neat, I want to die, lmao yeet’. This is something you wrote not long ago, correct? Are you really thinking of taking your own life?”
He squirmed in his small chair, fiddled with his thumbs, and took some time to answer.
“Kermit suicide? Well yes, but actually no.”
“Have you tried medications yet?”
He shook his head.
“This is beyond science.”
“What about fixing it organically then? Is there anything or anyone in particular that is bothering you?”
Another moment of silence as the patient looked away.
“Hey so um,” he started, “there’s this girl, and um…”
Suddenly he stood straight up with his legs together and his arms extended in a perfect T-pose, then instantly blinked out of existence.
The doctor sighed and finished that session’s report:
‘Specimen 211 is getting better at speaking on his own, but also better at harnessing his power. More frequent sessions are required if we hope to cure him before he learns to channel an entity such as Chungus or Shaggy.’
Originally Published on bandersnatch.ca