Horrorscopes

The Truth Will Set You Free

by Benjamin Fournier (Oracle II)


ARIES (March 21 – April 20):
You’ve been rather busy these past few weeks, and you’ve been neglecting that special person in your life. What I recommend is kidnapping them. Nothing shows you care like holding someone against their will.

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21):
It’s possible that a big change is in store for you in the near future. The thing is, I don’t know which store exactly. So I’d say start shopping, get flyers and go out looking for it. Try Costco, they have pretty much everything.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21):
Why not face changes with enthusiasm? Your spouse left you and took the kids? Great! All that time alone will finally give you time to think! You’re being evicted from your home? Terrific! You’ll finally get to go out there and visit the streets of your city! You have a terminal illness? Well you know what they say, when you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way is up! Unless you die, which is guaranteed to happen to you anyways… so…wait, what were we talking about again?

CANCER (June 22 – July 23):
This week I learned that many of my favorite songs tell stories through lyrics. For example, Lil’John’s Magnum Opus “Turn Down for What” is actually the story of an American soldier in Afghanistan who falls into a well while trying to get a local goat herder out of the crossfire. It’s true, look it up.

LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23):
A love relationship could take on a higher and more spiritual aspect during this period, creating a desire for your souls to bond. The thing is, your souls might be bonding, but your bodies are just going along like “Can we get this over witwith? I’m hungry and I want some Doritos or something.”

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):
Something may look simple on the surface. Though if you dig a little deeper over the next few days you will find it is anything but. For example, that guy with the weird clothes you pass on your way to work every day is a powerful wizard. Also, if you pay close attention, you’ll notice that your car is actually a bagel with more bagels for wheels. Hard to believe, but it’s true.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):
Don’t be surprised to see your co-workers acting a bit silly today. They’re all plotting behind your back to throw a party. Not for you though. The reason you don’t know is because they don’t like you and the reason they’re acting silly is because you look stupid. The party isn’t at all related to them acting silly, your appearance is. I’m not even sure why I told you about the party.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):
The stars have shown me that you’ve done some bad deeds and it’s time to pay for your actions. It’s time for you to face the music. That means that you need to find your nearest orchestra and stare at it for the whole concert. That should make everyone forgive you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):
You’re apt to get the feeling that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence this week. Well, since you’re colorblind, you’d be wrong. The grass is actually purple on the other side.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20):
A proposed visit from a friend may have to be delayed, and this might worry you. What I suggest is learning ESP to find it out why it was delayed. I hear you can easily become psychic by reading a guide on the internet, and we all know that the internet never lies.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):
It’s time for you to be your own person. Go to the bank and take out a loan. Go to your local “you” store and buy yourself. Then you can finally be who you truly are.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):
You will find many open doors. Please close them, you’re letting in a draft.