Horrorscopes

Look Into These Crystal Balls

Generic Pseudonym (Fortune Cookie Extraordinaire)


ARIES (Mar. 21-April 19): You may feel as though your tongue has been awfully slippery lately and that you cannot control what you say. This is because your tongue is on the floor in the middle of the hallway and people are slipping on it. Without a tongue, control of your speech may be difficult. It might be a good idea to pick up your tongue, then give it a good wash before replacing it, and take better care of your possessions in the future.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Life is a painting, and you have to paint it. In the art market right now, neo-impressionism is big, and that entails thick brush strokes in round semi-semicircle curves, usually in natural light colors of indigo and pale verdant green, allowing the colors to create very light contrast and never actually mix. Avoid deep reds and browns; they’re derivative of early Baroque Carravagian copycats.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 21): You are about to meet your soul-mate. In fact, you are about to meet several soul-mates. You’re about to be harvested into a soul farm where you will be expected to soul mate with several prospective mates and bear several soul children. Once your prime mating age
has finished, you will be soul fed by jazz music and art films until being slaughtered and made into soul steak. Welcome to the food industry.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): You will be surprised to find out that a treasured friend or loved one was not who you thought they were. It turns out that you thought they were you living the life you were living before being admitted to a mental hospital. They were your aide administering shock treatments. For future reference, remember that friends don’t usually shock you with car batteries. Only best friends do that. Congrats on your cured schizophrenia!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You are about to meet somebody very important. In that moment, all your life will come together. With this person, you are complete, and you have a purpose, a goal for which to live. Your existence will have new meaning upon meeting this amazing person. Then their security will tackle you to the ground and you’ll be tried in court as a stalker with all of your fan letters cited as proof of a dangerous obsession. Enjoy prison.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Life is knocking, and you should answer the door. You’ve been ignoring your personal life on the part of
studying and health, and it’s time to go out and enjoy yourself. Just check the window first to see if that’s really life at the door because judging from the loud knocking it could be the police. They know about you keeping ‘studying’ and ‘health’ locked up downstairs and they have a warrant.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): This is going to be a difficult time. You’ll hear of something heartbreaking, like the passing of a loved one, or that your significant other has been cheating on you with one of your parents. This may cause your parents to divorce, and you to have to say hello to a new step parent. Be careful if you were married to said former significant other, because they’ll take half your kid and half your possessions. Agonizing about the issue is also a thing to be avoided because you’ll lose your job, fail your classes, and lose all your friends. Now, don’t let all this get you down. It’s probably just the death of a loved one.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your relationship with your significant other has become a little strained recently because you both find yourselves busy. Take a day off and enjoy each other’s company. Watch a movie together and have a nice dinner. You’ll make your body pillow very happy.

SAGITARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Never stop chasing your future. It may keep eluding you, but that’s no reason to stop chasing. It’ll call for help, try to hide, maybe even pepper spray you a few times, but never stop. Your future is in your sights.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan.19): Your imagination is working hard today. Express your creativity with poetry, art, prose, or allowing it decent worker benefits before the imaginations’ union gets onto you for overworking your imagination. It’s entitled to a half hour of break for every six hours of work for eating and general recuperation. This is how workers’ revolts happen. Did you learn nothing from the Russian Revolution?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You will be overcome by a deep desire, taken with temptation, consumed by coveting. Your parents threaten to kick you out. The nuns shake their heads and begin to cry. Don’t buy the new iPhone. It’s not worth it.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): You may be dissatisfied with your current life. Well, you’re reading the horoscopes in a college newspaper instead of studying or having friends. If I were you I’d be dissatisfied too.

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