Horrorscopes

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Benjamin Fournier (Oracle II)


ARIES: March 21/April 19 This week, you might feel empowered to take action on a goal or plan that’s important to you. This wouldn’t be much of a problem if your priorities weren’t so screwed up. I mean, is it really crucial for you to sort your collection of milk cartons? Like who even has a milk carton collection anyways?

TAURUS: April 20/ May 20 Some fascinating conversations with friends, relatives, and others close to you could take place within the next few days bringing new ideas your way. For example, you might ask them: “If I eat myself, will I get twice as big or disappear completely?” Then your relatives will disown you.

GEMINI: May 21/June 21 There’s a lot to consider this week, including ideas and decisions associated with your career and purpose in
life. However, I often feel like having a purpose is overrated. Have you ever just tried to stand in place for 6 hours doing absolutely nothing? It’s quite refreshing actually, you should try it. I swear, it’ll help you.

CANCER: June 22/July 22 The stars have shown me that a social situation could lead to a lot of inner turmoil. You will then realise that your inner turmoil is actually heartburn and the social situation is a dinner at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

LEO: July 23/Aug. 22 Taking the lead concerning family developments could keep you busy this week. That is, until you remember that you live alone in a tiny apartment.

VIRGO: Aug. 23/ Sept. 22 Have I ever told you about the stars, Virgo? Well it’s interesting actually, because whenever I’ve been referring to the stars, I mean stars as in celebrities. And when I claim that
they’re saying something, I am actually just paraphrasing the reason for the restraining order they’ve filed against me because I’ve been calling them non-stop.

LIBRA: Sept. 23/October 22 Libra is easily the worst zodiac sign because it’s the only one that is an inanimate object. So pretty much, sucks to be you always, Libra.

SCORPIO: Oct. 23/Nov.21 When was the last time you tried to cook something? If the answer to that question was: “ho are you and why are you talking to me?”, then you’re in luck! There is a cooking class being given by a Mr. Lector at your local supermarket that will teach you how to cook his world famous mystery meat!

SAGITTARIUS: Nov. 22/Dec. 21 You’re in a joking mood today, Sagittarius! Sadly, your jokes will only be funny to you. That means, to everyone else, you’re in the mood to be extremely annoying and obnoxious.

CAPRICORN: Dec. 22/ Jan.19 You will be able to charm your way into whatever position you want in any social group you choose within the next week. I hear the Illuminati is looking for new members, and with your uncontrollable charisma, you should be able to rise up in the ranks incredibly quickly.

AQUARIUS: Jan. 20/Feb. 18 It may appear as if some people lead more glamorous lives than you but from their point of view you seem to be having fun as well. The thing is, they’d be wrong and you’d be right. Your life is boring and pointless and they’re busy being productive and having a good time. See, not everything is a matter of perspective, sometimes things really do suck for you.

PISCES: Feb. 19/March 20 Don’t waste time arguing about things that will never make much of a difference. Discovering why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch won’t get you anywhere, Pisces. I guarantee it.