Horrorscopes

They’re True This Time! I Swear!

By Benjamin Fournier (Oracle II)


ARIES (March 21 – April 20):
This month, it’s time for you to live. Seize the day! Grab that sucker and hold him tight! Don’t let go! Bring the day uncomfortably close to you! Hold the day for ransom and ask the authorities for 10 million dollars, a private jet, and two parachutes. Tell them that if they try to follow you, you’ll kill the day. When you get to Costa Rica, you’ll be able to seize the day as much as I ask you to.

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21):
I feel like we’ve drifted apart. Why don’t we spend time together anymore? Remember when we used to lie down in the grass and look at the clouds? Or when we’d talk about it all.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21):
You know, I think it’s about time you started to seriously reconsider your recent romanctic choices. Your current relationship is like Jaden Smith’s acting career: Forced and Destined to go absolutely nowhere.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23):
I know you’ve been feeling alone lately, but I want you to keep the greater good in mind: Don’t try to bring other people down with you. Be strong and keep this in mind: Misery Loves Company, but try to stay away from those two, they’ll only make you feel worse because…well you know.

LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23):
This cycle, you will feel motivated because you’ll realise that your goals are within arms reach. However, you won’t be succesful if you’re short because you won’t be able to reach them. I’m thinking only average height and above get to accomplish something for the next two weeks. Sorry Tyrion.

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):
Guys, the stars and the planets won’t stop talking. They’re always telling me about useless stuff like people’s hopes, their dreams, their relationships, their desire to eat a fancy dinner on a park bench. I have’t slept in three days because of them. Like shut up already…

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):
Recently, you’ve been very hard on yourself. Well it’s time to change! Tell yourself to lay off yourself! TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE A PROUD OF THE WAY THAT YOU ARE AND THAT IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING GOOD TO SAY THEN YOU SHOULDN’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):
You might think your new dog is making you happier, but that isn’t true. Your dog is actually going into your room at night to re-wire your brain to make it feel like you’re happier, when actually you’re turning into a minotaur. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s the truth.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):
Spiders are so misunderstood. Our first instinct is to kill them because they’re ugly and scary, yet the real reason we want to kill them is because they’re actually telemarketers trying to sell us a new washing machine. Obviously our first instict is to murder them in cold blood, it’s only logical. Yet, people still don’t understand the truth about spiders.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20):
If the Illuminati is everywhere recruiting people to reshape the world, then why am I not part of it? Seriously, what’s wrong with me?! Am I not good enough to be a part of building your new world order?! I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I’VE THOUGHT OF AT LEAST THREE WAYS TO RESHAPE SOCIETY AND ONLY TWO OF THEM INVOLVED KITTENS.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):
You’ve had a hard time to connect with your friends lately. Have you tried to find their USB ports? Maybe an audio jack? What about an electrical outlet? I know it’s asking alot, but it’s your only chance of making a real connection with the people who matter in your life.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):
I know that people have been giving you the cold shoulder recently and that you wish it would stop. I say just get those hand warmers and drop them on people’s shoulders. They’ll warm up to you after like 35 seconds, guaranteed.