My Love for Brand Name Products


I prefer brand names to knock -offs. There’s just something so special about going into that store, with a name that every good, capitalist North American knows, and knowing that everyone around can see me going in. I think to “Hell yeah, I can afford this shit”. I don’t actually like it, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is finding the exact same thing that everyone else has, or wants to have, and trying it on. Maybe it doesn’t fit, but I’ll get it anyways. Who cares if it looks like shit – what matters is having “The Thing”. I repeat: it doesn’t matter how good or bad it looks; aesthetics don’t matter (except when they do). What matters is the having. The second-best part: paying for the shit. Just like the act of walking into the store lets everyone in the near vicinity know that I am rich enough to consider buying what the store has to offer. Actually, buying the stuff lets everyone in the store know that I have enough cash to pay for the shit. Pro tip: get the biggest thing you can, so you get a bigger bag. People will think you bought multiple items, and thus assume that you are richer. And it’s always good to look rich in other people’s eyes. Money makes the world go ‘round people.

But the best, the absolute best thing, is walking out with that bag. Everyone around will notice. “That dude must have so much cash”. They will feel insignificant next to me, with my name brand bag filled with shit I don’t actually like. But those peasants won’t know.

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