Obituaries for our Departing Staff
Dina “That Metal Chick” Willis (Former Entertainment Editor)
It is our deepest regret to report that Dina Willis, former longtime entertainment editor, known by about 75% of our two readers as “That Metal Chick”, has passed away. It’s sad that we never knew her well enough to nickname her “That Metal Chick Named Dina”. The details around her death are fuzzy, due to the dubious background she was in during the last days of her life. Dina dropped out of school because she wasn’t doing any work anyway. She then left to spend a week in an iron mine, where all the greatest metal bands on earth were launching a concert so literally underground that hipsters could never find it. Dina, a metal fan and yet a registered
hipster, spent most of the week searching an iron mine in Norway, the most metal country on Earth. In the hopes of finding the concert in time for the greatest metal spectacle ever. Metallica, Slayer, Roadkill, Misery, Death
Misery, and The Black Satans were all to play their entire repertoire on repeat for two days straight. With only a cigarette lighter and a bottle of Jack Daniels for light and company, Dina set forth into the maze of steely iron tunnels of metal in search of what was being known as “The Metal”. We don’t know whether she found the concert, but she wound up lying amid a pile of hypodermic needles at the base of an Icelandic volcano with her veins full of liquid platinum, the purest metal in existence. She was found in that state with a childlike smile on her face and her neck bent ninety degrees, in the middle of her final headbang. Rest in peace, Dina Willis.
Tyler “Bowser” Boulay (Staff Writer; Former Arts and Culture Editor)
Tyler “Bowser” Boulay died recently after an accident occurred in his bedroom. Tyler was minding his own business with headphones on, intense gaming happening, and a light breakfast snack of crepes, fresh fruits, and large amounts of pudding with a side of OJ. As things began to get heated in League of Legends, Tyler received an odd chat message from someone claiming to be an old friend of his. In the message was an attached file entitled ‘Done’ and explained that if Tyler didn’t forward the message to an old friend, he would die in the next five minutes. Tyler ignored the threat and continued playing. Tyler made a mistake. Minutes passed, and pretty soon, Tyler’s computer began to glitch; he frantically hit it in hopes of repairing the magic game box but ended up spilling both his pudding as well as his OJ all over the machine. A catastrophic explosion large enough to blow the boy out the window happened moments later. Tyler was sent flying into the air and plunged in to his pool. Unconscious and injured, he died of drowning and head injuries. His breakfast fruits floating in the water above his body in an odd symbolic fashion spelled out the word ‘done’. Tyler’s body was discovered two days later by his younger brother, Oliver Boulay. When asked why Oliver didn’t retrieve the body sooner, since he clearly knew about it, Oliver replied, “Seeing my brother dead like that gave me the crepes.”
Aaron Rogers (Procrastinator)
It is with great sorrow that we announce the death of Aaron Rogers, who passed away tragically (again) last Saturday. After years of being too cool to be on time for anything, he decided to change it up a bit and write his English essay two weeks ahead of time. Little did he know, his body had developed a barrier against what our reliable source, Urban Dictionary, now calls “Finals Plague”: a disease characterized by students’ need to pull themselves together and stop procrastinating before finals come around. Aaron’s body wasn’t ready for these good work habits: when he started writing an actual rough draft, his hand cramped up and he couldn’t remember his own name or where he was. Eventually, his whole body was paralysed, and his heart stopped beating.
However, we mustn’t grieve too much. Who knows? Maybe he’ll procrastinate his death again, like he did after his previous death last spring. Maybe he’ll come back next semester and surprise us all (oh wait, he’s still alive!) And if he doesn’t come back, well… he was to cool for this world anyways. Rest in peace, Aaron. You will forever be remembered by your beautiful calves and your extensive music collection that none of us has even heard of.
Elias Abou-Aksa (Production Staff)
Rest in peace, Elias Abou-Aksa. Known by all as the ghost of Bandersnatch, he caused chaos to all who crossed his path. He would only help when no one would notice his kind deeds. On Monday November 17th, 2014, Elias was supposedly playing Assassin’s Creed Rogue. He was so excited about finally being about to game and got so into the game that he vanished into thin air. Some say he simply became an assassin and is still among us, but can’t be seen. Others say he disintegrated into particles and is a part of every game now. Nonetheless, he will be missed by all.