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Thou Willn’t Believe These 5 Medical Procedures the Royals are Using!

Breanna di Ventura
Amateur Plague Doctor

Listen lovelies, gypsies and gentiles, the new year is starting and if you’re not dead or dying, then you probably will be soon! Unless, that is, you try any of these five hot-as-greek-fire medical procedures.

5 Boar Bile Enemas
Feeling bound up and out of sorts? Then boar bile enemas might be just the thing for you! This is no ordinary enema made of boring water and soap, oh no! The cleansing fluid is made exclusively from boar spit. This will make you feel clean, refreshed and ready to go. Don’t knock it until you try it; this is one of Louis the XIV’s favorite procedures.

4 Hot Ironed Hemorrhoids
Are your hemorrhoids particularly large or tenacious? Not to fret! There is a solution for you, hop on a horse and ride gingerly to your nearest monastery. The monks there will be glad to help you by bending you over a rock and applying a lava hot iron to the affected area. You may not be able to sit for a week but those hemorrhoids will disappear in a flash.

3 Trepanning
Persistent headaches? We’ve got you covered! Go see your local doctor for a trepanning procedure. Your physician will gently bore a hole in your skull to release pressure and headaches. However, if the symptoms don’t lessen you will immediately be assumed to be possessed by the devil. Check out next week’s installment for those treatment options.

2 Child Birth
Congratulations to all those fair maidens out there who are with child. As you prepare to deliver you will have many things to consider. Where you would like to deliver, who your midwife will be, child names… But the most prevailing experience for all pregnant women about to deliver will be the local nun or priest telling you to prepare your last will and testament because you will most likely die. But please, new moms don’t let that deter your happy pregnancy glow.

1 Bloodletting
If you ever feel even the slightest bit not yourself, please see your local physician so they can drain some excess blood from your body. You have two option depending on the severity of your symptoms: leeching, which involves letting leeches crawl all over your body and suck your life force out, or venesection, which is when you’re stabbed in the vein and blood drips from you like water from a leaky bucket. That will surely remedy all that ails you.

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