ARIES: April 20 – May 13
In the next century or so, give or take, you are going to die. Your life will end one day.
TAURUS: May 14-June 19
Some fresh air is in your future. It will enter your lungs through the trachea, and the oxygen from the air you inhale will cause your lungs to swell before the oxygen is carried off to the rest of your body through the bloodstream.
GEMINI: June 20-July 20
You are going to encounter a person. It can certainly be said that you are going to encounter at least one person in your future.
CANCER: July 21-Aug. 9
However your life may be at this given moment, know that there is something just around the corner. It’s probably an empty hallway.
LEO: Aug. 10-Sept. 15
Something about lions.
VIRGO: Sept. 16-Oct. 30
You may find yourself lacking physical energy. Ensure that you eat three meals a day and get your proper daily intake of the necessary vitamins and minerals. Follow the Canadian Food Guide.
LIBRA: Oct. 31-Nov. 22
Keep an eye on the weather forecast. It might be cold out there, and if you don’t dress properly for the weather, you may find yourself sick.
SCORPIO: Nov. 23-Nov. 29
He’s cheating on you.
OPHIUCHUS: Nov. 30-Dec. 17
You’re going to stop using the thirteenth zodiac sign and accept that you’re not special.
SAGITTARIUS: Dec. 18-Jan. 18
Birdman is going to win best picture at the Oscars.
CAPRICORN: Jan. 19-Feb. 15
She’s cheating on you.
AQUARIUS: Feb. 16-March 11
It’s statistically likely that a family member is going to get cancer. According to the Canadian Cancer Society, almost 30% of all deaths in Canada are attributed to the disease.
PISCES: March 12-April 18
You may find yourself in a social situation soon. It’s entirely possible. We have no idea.