Please

Casey Dobson
Opinions Editor


I don’t need a new perspective
I need help
I’ve stared at this thing for 5 years
I have seen in from every angle
In every light
I’ve had staring contests with it
I’ve turned my back on it.
And the only thing any of that has given me is pain
I’m tired of hurting
I’m scared that the only way to stop this hurting is to make it all stop
I don’t want that
Except I do
I’m tired of fighting an army of shadows in the dark with no backup
I want out
Out of this fight
Out of this lonely war
Out of this shitty contract that I didn’t realize I signed because at this point it feels like I may as well have signed my death warrant.
Except it’s worse because I don’t actually get to die
I get to watch
Feel
Hear
My insides die
While my face has to pretend like it isn’t happening
I have to live with the dying and I don’t know how
I don’t want to.
I need backup
I need troops
I need something
I hate asking for help but find me a mountain and I will climb it and yell to the world that I need help.
I don’t mean help in the form of a daily doses of hugs
Or injections of encouragement
Or a prescription for a new perspective
No
I have had enough doses of all of those
I mean help like real doses
Help like a name for this monster
If this isn’t chemical
If there is no name for this
I’m gonna have to give up because I’ve been hunting shadows for too long
While too outnumbered
And I’m exhausted
These shadows need names
And faces
You might hate me for hiding behind metaphors but they’re the only things that don’t leave me so they’re all I’ve got
This hell I’m dealing with has to be chemical it cannot be character
I was a person.
Somewhere underneath this pile of ashes I hope to God that
that person is still there
I promise this isn’t her
This is the ash
The bricks
The wall
That’s keeping me from her
I’ve been pushing
Digging
Clawing
For years
With new perspectives annually
All it’s made me is numb
Please help

 

Originally Published in Bandersnatch Vol. 48 Issue 07 on January 30th, 2018