Rejected Headlines

Sebastian Socorro
Literature Editor


  • New “Help, I don’t know what I’m doing” program to open, hoodies sell out instantly.
  • New time zones discovered after multiple clocks on campus tell different times
  • Plans for next semester include 6 clubs sharing a closet-sized room
  • CSKY Radio speakers to be replaced with a pair of earbuds in the corner of the cafeteria
  • “Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee” says student hospitalized for caffeine overdose
  • Even newer JAC library announced, set to be built within the next three days
  • JAC closes due to snowstorm, fulfilling an ancient apocalyptic prophecy

Originally Published in Bandersnatch Vol.49 Issue 09 on February 12th, 2020