Round Earthers Sentenced To Life in Prison

Yesterday, the International Court of Justice in The Hague ruled that three crazed proponents of the round Earth theory were to be sentenced to life in prison without parole. These individuals were charged with the account of figurative arson for trying to set the world ablaze with their idea that the world is not flat. However, it is common knowledge that the world is indeed flat, as it has been established since the Martians visited the Earth in 2600 BC to help build the pyramids.

This verdict is a crushing blow to the Round-Earthers, who have seen their numbers dwindle significantly in the past few years. The idea of a spherical earth, first proposed by Pythagoras in the 6th century, quickly gained traction before being stomped out by the Catholic Church during the Middle Ages, as it was not mentioned in the Bible. Claiming that science, recently classified by the United Nations as a pagan cult, proves that the Earth is indeed round and not flat, the Round Earthers are seemingly indoctrinated by conspiracy theories that are not supported by any credible divine evidence.

As of yet, the main stronghold of these rebels has yet to be found, as it seems to not be on any maps or not be identifiable with traditional coordinates. Interrogated members claim that their base is in a location on the other side of the world, which of course does not exist, so these responses are blatant lies.

It remains to be seen how long the Round-Earthers will continue their crusade, but it is likely that only until the Sun stops spinning around the Earth that these individuals will admit the errors of their ways.

Image Source: Public Domain Pictures


Connor Sin-Chan
Assistant Editor-in-Chief and Flat Earther

Originally Published in Bandersnatch Vol. 47 Issue 13 on April 25, 2018