Horrorscopes

ARIES (Mar. 21-April 19): You may feel as though your tongue has been awfully slippery lately and that you cannot control what you say. This is because your tongue is on the floor in the middle of the hallway and people are slipping on it. Without a tongue, control of your speech may be difficult. It might be a good idea to pick up your tongue, then give it a good wash before replacing it, and take better care of your possessions in the future.

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Magic X Love

The mobile city of Albion has risen from the depths of the deep crushing ocean. All students are amazed at the sight of this great monument, all except for the boy. The boy stands up and reaches for his bag; suddenly, his right eye begins to ache.

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Learning About the Red Panda

Not many people know what a red panda looks like, nor do people know that they exist… So let me tell you a little bit more about this endangered species. The red panda is found in the Eastern part of the Himalayas, where they feed on leaves and bamboo, and, sometimes they also feed on fruits, insects, bird eggs, and small lizards. The reason these creatures are endangered is because the area that they inhabit has seen a decrease in bamboo and trees. Therefore, this leads to a decrease in their population.

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Tragedy Slams Brakes on Space Tourism

Last Friday saw the industry of commercial space-travel shaken by tragedy. Virgin Galactic’s partner, Scaled Composites, conducted a manned, powered test flight of the company’s SpaceShipTwo (SS2), a suborbital rocket plane destined to bring tourists into space next spring. This dream was cut short when, minutes after igniting its engines, SS2 began disintegrating in mid-flight, debris showering the Mojave Desert, where tests were being conducted.

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Can’t Ditch the Itch

Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Does that itchy sensation on your elbow still persist after hours of relentless scratching? If you are still scratching as you’re reading this sentence, I will assume that that is the case. Well, if you want that irritation to stop, stop scratching. Yes, you are reading this right. Cease! Halt! Quit scratching! It actually intensifies your itchiness and does nothing but create unappealing scabs. You are probably asking yourselves: “What does she know? She’s not a dermatologist.” Well, itchy skeptical reader, hopefully the research conducted by the scientists at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis will convince you.

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Vance Joy Concert Is A Huge Success

When Vance Joy’s hit song “Riptide” exploded onto the airwaves, hipsters the world over surely died a little bit inside as he rocketed from obscurity to become an international indie darling. But as they learned to change their pompous proclamations from “You probably don’t know who Vance Joy is…” to “I listened to Vance Joy before he was famous…” the world was exposed to an amazing new talent.

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