The Sub-Par, Mediocre, Sardonic Advice Corner

Kiana Zanetti
Staff Writer

“All my relationships turn out to be a trainwreck. Every boyfriend I get turns out to be a jerk or a player. Where are all the RIGHT guys that I could be with?”

Probably at the Republican National Convention.

“Hi Kiana,
I feel like my life just sucks in general… I’ve just given up trying to do anything about it because I have bad luck… nothing good ever happens to me. Why do good things happen to everyone else?”


Mr. Harrison,
Go take a number, sit down, and wait until you’re called for something good to happen! That’s just how it works!

“I have a mad crush on this girl that I talk to but she doesn’t know and I haven’t dared to try flirting with her at all… I’m too scared. But now she seems to be taking interest in somebody else! What do I do?”

Why, just wait until the radar installed in between her meninges picks up on the fact that you like her and signals it to her! It works miracles, you know!

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