Why You Should Be Afraid of Y2K

Not the Sex Jelly

Martino Martinez (Contributor)

As you know, the New Year is fast app r o a c h i n g . Normally, the dawn of a new year is a celebration that represents a hopeful view of what is to come. Normally, that is the case. But we are nearing the year 2000, the year that technology, and society as a whole, will crumble. You see, in our technological world, dates have always been written with ONLY two digits rather than four. This means 2000 will be indistinguishable from 1900, 1000, or, God forbid, 4000! The misreading of the dates will lead to countless software failures and hardware errors. The computers running our banking systems would no longer track our money, and the economic system will fail. Any devices containing computer chips tracking the date found in things as common as elevators are going to be the victims of self-destruct protocols. The electronic systems directing our planes will cease to work, and there will be a rain of fire and death crashing onto us. The same is true of nuclear reactors. Within the first ten minutes of the happy New Year, half your family will be dead, and you will be surrounded by burning buildings full of people screaming, bathing in a pool of blood belonging to other people, and dead puppies… also monkeys, lots of dead monkeys.

We must also consider why this is a problem. For you see, for centuries now, we have generally taken the short-cut of writing two digits instead of four. ‘1967’ becomes ‘67’. Or so THEY would have you believe. THEY are truly the ones who wrote the dates with only two digits on our computers. THEY planned the apocalypse. In other words, THEY organized the series of events that will lead to the end of the world and the end of times. Civilization will fall. It won’t exist anymore.

And who is ‘THEY’? Why, ‘THEY’ is the group of
people secretly running international and global politics without you even realizing it, BEHIND YOUR BACK!

Why do you prefer Burger King? THEY planned it. THEY prefer McDonald’s. Therefore, THEY manipulated the public into preferring Burger King in order to have more McDonald’s burgers to themselves.

Why was Star Wars: The Phantom Menace disappointing? THEY planned it. I’m not sure why, but it was probably for nefarious reasons…EVIL!

I could go on and on. You must be wondering why would THEY want any of these things? I gathered a panel of experts and philogilizers to discuss these ideas. This think tank is composed of Janitor Joe, Bill O’Reilly, and a monkey. After hours upon hours of pondering complex ideas, we have come to a very simple conclusion. THEY want to rule the world with an iron fist. Consequently, they planned to cause enough untold chaos upon our streets to make us desperate. We will need THEM. THEY will initiate a police regime to “protect us”. In reality, THEY will just use it to “control us”.

You might be wondering who leads this group known only as THEY. Well, so am I.

In conclusion, Y2K=EVIL!