If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
Never be a comedian in front of a rock group, they are a pretty tough crowd.
Which elements group on the periodic table are pathological liars? The alke-lie metals.
Why were the blues called the blues? Because playing the greens would sound stupid.
What is an eight letter word that will make some cry and others laugh? Calculus.
What do you call a dog pretending to be human? An Im-paw-ster.
What is the difference between a first, second, and third year a John Abbott? The amount of fear in their eyes.
What do you call a sick vegan eating while writing poetry? A malade eating salad writing a ballad.
Saying “Winter is coming” to a Canadian.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Alan. Alan who? Open the door Dave, you only know one Alan!
How come flies never have family reunions? Because they only live for a few days.
The American Election.
What is the difference between a yo-yo and the economy? You always know a yo-yo will come back up.
You are always doing something, even when you die you are decomposing. That’s something.
What two words provoke the most fear in a student? Test Tomorrow.
How come trees never get together? They want to be leaf-ed alone.
What is so small you can’t even see? I don’t know, I’ve never seen it either.
How come bars never let horses in anymore? Because it is always the same joke.