Rejected Headlines

Sebastian Socorro
Literature Editor

-Nuclear Slenderman spawns from Chernobyl forest fire

-Boccaccio rises from the grave to write The Decameron II: Return of the Plague

-2020 revealed to be a battle royale spin-off of The Truman Show

-James Cameron’s Avatar 2 delayed until 2051, Avatar 6 announced for next century

-Camp Half-Blood forced to keep its demigods during summer

-Class of 2019-2020 to receive diplomas by fax machine

-Trudeau deems go karting an essential service

-Skipping class too easy to be fun anymore

-Vast population of introverts and lazy people suddenly excellent students online

-Teams, Zoom, FaceTime, and Skype to battle it out at WWE COVID Clash

-CIA agents slowly dying of boredom after spying on quarantined citizens

-Elon Musk quarantines himself on Mars without notice

-“Lo-Fi Quarantine Beats to Slowly Go Insane To” nominated for Grammy

-Mad Max aesthetic has already begun with the shaving of hair and eyebrows

-2020 criticized for terrible writing and agonizing pacing

Originally Published on Vol.49 Issue 13 on April 15th, 2020