The Sub-Par, Mediocre, Sardonic Advice Corner

Kiana Zanetti
Staff Writer

“All my relationships turn out to be a trainwreck. Every boyfriend I get turns out to be a jerk or a player. Where are all the RIGHT guys that I could be with?”
-Anon

Probably at the Republican National Convention.

“Hi Kiana,
I feel like my life just sucks in general… I’ve just given up trying to do anything about it because I have bad luck… nothing good ever happens to me. Why do good things happen to everyone else?”
-George

Mr. Harrison,
Go take a number, sit down, and wait until you’re called for something good to happen! That’s just how it works!

“I have a mad crush on this girl that I talk to but she doesn’t know and I haven’t dared to try flirting with her at all… I’m too scared. But now she seems to be taking interest in somebody else! What do I do?”
-Anon

Why, just wait until the radar installed in between her meninges picks up on the fact that you like her and signals it to her! It works miracles, you know!