Defining Your Sexual Debut

By Anne-Marie Blondeau
Contributor

We need to redefine the way we discuss sexual experiences. This means moving on from the term “virginity” as it is outdated and offensive. Many of us young adults have been subjected to judgement associated with our sexual experience, or lack thereof. While commonly defined as the state of never having had sexual intercourse, what “counts” as being a virgin is subjective and shamed by many due to cultural norms.

Many people limit the term “losing your virginity” as having penetrative (phallus and vaginal) sex. Not only is this social norm harmful as it rejects other forms of sex, such as oral sex, it is also harmful in the way it idealizes heteronormative sex and excludes LGBTQIA2S+ and disabled communities. Sexual acts take many forms; they can be oral, penetrative, affectionate touch… Defining sex as being only vaginal intercourse is restrictive. It is a destructive perspective on sex. Firstly, even if it is not exclusive to heterosexual relationships, the language associated with having sex for the first time is still problematic as it promotes give-take relationships. Language such as “taking someone’s virginity” or “losing it” is prominent in our college culture. The act of taking and losing something when having sex makes the act seem scary and threatening. No one wants to be the loser when being intimate and vulnerable. This promotes unhealthy views on sex. Using this language, there is someone who takes and one who is taken (advantage of). This is a harmful view as it is seeing sex as an exchange rather than a mutually beneficial act. Everyone deserves to feel safe, empowered and equal considering their sexuality.

Virginity is a social construct created to assign value to a person based on their sexual experience. Many see sex as a taboo topic despite it being, for many people, an integral part of growing up. The concept of the hymen indicating whether a (biological) woman has had sex or not is a widespread misconception, as the hymen can stretch and tear during activities such as sports, not only during sex. Bleeding when having penetrative sex with a biological female does not indicate your partner’s past sexual experience. Nevertheless, many see the act of having sex as a sign of maturity. Since it is normalized that adults have sex, many overlook teenagers’ experiences of having their sexual debut before adulthood. It is important to consider that not having sex is common– if you aren’t ready or haven’t had sex, you are not alone. We often feel the need to have sex, we feel peer pressure to “lose our virginity”, in fear of missing out. We want to relate with our peers and show we are mature and worthy of doing “adult things”.

Your sexual experience does not determine your self-worth. Many young adults struggle with the labels and pressures of having sex, as the judgement tied to not having any experience can heighten feelings of embarrassment and shame. These same feelings may be associated with “losing your virginity”, as once it is “lost” it is associated with a loss of purity and innocence. Only, this sexual experience is not a loss at all. Losing is a harmful word we associate even though we are actually gaining in experience. In any other circumstance, one would be happy to do something new, gain knowledge and experience. For example, when you ride a bike for the first time, or get your first job, you gain this new experience, a new skill and memory. This is not a loss. When having sex for the first time you profit in new experience. If this new experience is affiliated with loss, it diminishes this experience’s importance. Do not overlook the fact that you are in control of your life. You define the narrative about when and with whom you have sex, including if you want to in the first place. You have the power to define your own concept of “virginity” — and determine your own sexual debut–no matter your past.