HORRORSCOPES

We Have No Idea What You’re Talking About

by Andrew Grant

Aries
You should always take time to count your blessings. A suspicious person has been spotted leaving the building with a blessing and one of yours might be missing. Taurus Beware, Taurus. Your karma may be catching up to you. Call the athletic commission. There’s no way it’s running that fast unless it’s juicing.

Gemini
You may feel a little distant from your friends; it might even seem as though they aren’t there. Make some friends.

Cancer
You might begin to feel sick, as though something parasitic is sapping your energy. Sit down for the bad news; you may have just succumbed to one of humanity’s worst sicknesses. Take a pregnancy test.

Leo
You have a habit of leaving your heart open for all to see, and it’s causing you to get hurt. This may require surgery; an open chest wound is a major infection risk.

Virgo
Your life is about to change forever. The bloodied garden spade matched your fingerprints, and you’re being put away for the rest of your life.

Libra
You’ve been searching for the meaning of life, but your search is almost over. You’ll soon come across a dictionary.

Scorpio
You’re about to receive news. For the sake of suspense it’ll be kept a mystery which of your parents the hospital is calling you about.

Sagittarius
Your career is about to take a significant leap. Discourage your career; it has so much to live for.

Capricorn
You’ve found a new love, and many new possibilities are opening up. Rejoice in the many creative ways they can reject you.

Aquarius
You’ve been plagued by a dark mood recently, but there’s no reason to be sad. Things could be much worse. Your significant other could leave you, your parents could get divorced. Your parents could leave you AND get divorced. So lighten up; the stars say it won’t happen for another few weeks.

Pisces
Never be afraid to exercise your creativity; it can show other people your aptitude, and thus open a path to following your dreams.