Horrorscopes

Batteries Not Included

Benjamin Fournier (Oracle II)


ARIES (Mar. 21-April 19): This week, you may find yourself constantly trumped by a close rival, making you feel like you can’t hold a candle to them. Well, you’d be right. You can’t hold a candle up to someone; it’s very impolite and dangerous. You could drop it and burn them, so stop trying.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It’s about time you grabbed life by the horns. Assuming life is a bull, that is. If life isn’t a bull, then forget about grabbing it; you’re just wasting your time.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 21): Today, you might pinch yourself to see if what you’re experiencing is real. That’s when you’ll realise that pinching yourself is impossible because you’re actually a spooky ghost.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): You might consider taking a short trip to clear you conscience, Cancer. Try going sunbathing in Antarctica or star-gazing on the moon. You know, something simple to clear you mind.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): There’s a great deal of power in your words these days, so be careful about how you use them. They might be so powerful in fact that I fear for the safety of the world. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask to politely rip out your tongue and dispose of it as you see fit. Thank you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It is only natural that you desire to do the right thing, but how about trying to do the left thing from time to time? What’s the worst that could happen?

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Take a look at what matters most to you in the world this week, Libra. When you realise that it’s spicy chicken sandwiches, change what matters the most to you because that’s stupid and so are you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Jump-start your morning with a smile, Scorpio! Your generosity won’t go unnoticed on a day like today! Keep smiling as you give complete strangers all your most valued possessions! Give passersby all your hard earned money, and give your new car to the homeless man in the alley near the job you just quit to give someone below you a promotion! End up on the street due to being too generous, but remember…keep smiling!

SAGITARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The horrible truth about you is now known to all. Someone spilled the beans… That was you though. You spilled them. Pick up after yourself, you dirty animal.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan.19): You’ll enjoy the week ahead because it will bring you a chance to relax and assess your progress regarding a key relationship…The relationship between you and your goldfish. You’ll realize that you’ve drifted apart recently and that you need to rekindle what you once had. Doing this will bring you both a great deal of happiness, I guarantee it.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This is the time for you to take control of the situation, Aquarius. I mean, you’ve never worked air traffic control before and that flight may have called Mayday, but you need to take control anyway just because I told you to.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Your slow and steady approach might be met with a bit of opposition for the next few days, Pisces. It kind of makes sense though…have you seen how slowly you walk in the hallways? I mean come on, hurry up already. Everyone has places to be. AND SO HELP ME, IF YOU EVER DRIVE IN THE LEFT LANE FOR ANY OTHER REASON THAN PASSING AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY GO TO YOUR HOUSE AND BREAK EVERY SINGLE THING I FIND.

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