Obituary Ralph Anthony Barretto – Sports Editor

The terribly disheartening news of Ralph Anthony Barretto’s passing came as a great shock to everyone who knew him.

While Ralph was not part of the team for very long, he will be sorely missed. He had a big heart, considering how generous and courteous he was. He always had a vibrant smile any time he was around.

His death was especially alarming, bearing in mind his great knowledge on all sorts of athletic abilities.

On his way to the Bandersnatch production room, out of nowhere, he got caught up in a conversation about sports with someone he had never met before. Since he was having such a good time, he was talking faster than no man had ever done before.

His heart was beating so quickly in trying to keep up, that he forgot how to breathe. On the spot, he collapsed. He appeared to be laughing at the moment of his death, as he had a giant smile.

While it is a sad day, we must bear in mind his passing came at a time of happiness. For once, he was not sorry.

His funeral procession will be occurring next week. He will be sent off with a Viking funeral, doused in oil, and set ablaze, to bring him closer to his favorite hockey team.

* Note: Ralph did not die. This is a satirical and fictional story meant to honour his contribution to Bandersnatch.